Published On: Thu, Mar 16th, 2023

The Challenges of Being Well-Hung

the secret lives of men

There is no greater symbolic measure of a man’s masculinity than the size of his penis. If someone is a big shot at work, they’re referred to as a “big swinging dick.” In recent years, the term “big dick energy” has emerged in the lexicon to describe men with a raw, ineffable charisma. A big dick is something men are taught to want from a young age—in both the porn they watch and the cultural messaging they internalize.

But in the real world, having a massive member isn’t entirely positive. It comes with its own burdens and discomforts. It turns out there is such a thing as too big when it comes to sex, and people gossiping about your manhood can be demeaning and objectifying. For Black men, having a reputation for having a large penis can carry with it hurtful racial connotations.

For our new series on The Secret Lives of Men, Esquire spoke to T, a 19-year-old, Nigerian-British university student, about the weight he carries between his legs and the downside to having what every man thinks he wants.

T, 19, Birmingham, England

It’s comical, but I’ve actually lost a few friends because my dick is so big. It happened during my first year at uni. I hooked up with a lot of girls my first year—more than 30, I’d say. Many of the women I hooked up were shocked when they saw my penis for the first time, especially if they hadn’t heard about it beforehand. Half of the time sex didn’t work; my penis wouldn’t fit.

After a while, I started getting texts from random numbers, girls who had been referred to me by women I had slept with. Girls were gossiping about the size of my penis and eventually it came back to one of the guys in my friend group. He would mention it constantly, out of nowhere, in the middle of conversations. He would ask how it felt, and whether it was more sensitive than smaller penises. It didn’t matter who was around either, he would always bring it up. That was always awkward because I never knew how someone else would react. It was all this guy would talk about when we were together and it made me uncomfortable, to the point where I had to distance myself from him as a friend.

Because of that, everyone in my social circle knows about my dick now. It’s become an inside joke. They ask me about it a lot, to the point it’s annoying. It’s weird to have someone, entirely unprovoked, ask you about your penis. Any time I complain about it, they just laugh and say, “You did this to yourself.”

It’s been interesting to see how differently people act now that they know about my penis. I catch people, university peers I hardly know, staring at my crotch.

Two old friends ghosted me immediately after word got around. We see each other in the cafeteria and they just stare; they won’t sit with me anymore. I can only assume it’s because they are intimidated. I miss them at times, but I understand it’s not something I can control.

It’s been interesting to see how differently people act now that they know about my penis.

There’s a racial aspect to having a large penis as a Black man. My nationality is Nigerian and I’m 6’5″. It feels like I’m a walking stereotype.

A lot of white women seek me out specifically because of that stereotype. One time, a white couple sought me out because they heard I had a big penis. They wanted to have a threesome. I go over to their house, we get things started, and he gets super jealous. He stopped being involved in the threesome and later left the room. At that point, I felt awkward, so I left. I heard from a mutual friend that they fought about it for a week. They must have assumed people were exaggerating about my size.

For a long time, I thought my dick was normal. I’m tall and have big hands, so it just seemed proportional. I didn’t know it was big until I started rugby last year and started getting stares in the locker room. Since then, it’s continued to grow an inch each year, so it’s 9 inches now (nine and a half on a good day).

My friends scoff when I say my dick is too big. They don’t understand that it affects everything I do. I can only wear certain clothes, otherwise my dick is too obvious. I can’t wear sweatpants or joggers in public, especially if they’re gray. I pretty much always wear jeans and darker colors. Black pants are usually okay. When I go to the gym, I wear compression shorts, which is a clothing item I didn’t even know about until someone online suggested them to me. If I go out without putting thought into the pants I wear, I can end up looking trashy.

There’s nothing I can do where my dick size isn’t a potential issue. I wish it was two inches smaller. That would be great.

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